Evoke Greatness Podcast

Finding Light in Darkness with Kelci Jager (Part 1)

• Episode 154

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🎧 Episode 154: Finding Light in Darkness: A Journey Through Grief and Hope with Kelci Jager

In this deeply moving episode, I sit down with Kelci Jager, author of "A Million Miracles: And The One That Never Came," certified life coach, grief coach, and registered nurse.  After losing her beloved husband Collin to leukemia at age 40 following an 18-month battle, Kelci shares her powerful journey of transformation and healing while raising their four sons. 

We explore:

  • Life before tragedy - the beautiful foundation
  • Navigating multiple family crises during the pandemic
  • The journey from critical care nurse to grief expert
  • Understanding grief in a grief-illiterate society
  • The power of hope in the darkest moments
  • Breaking through societal misconceptions about grief
  • Finding light when everything seems dark
  • The story behind her powerful memoir

🔑 Key takeaways:

  1. Grief doesn't move in linear stages - it becomes part of who you are
  2. There's no right or wrong way to grieve - each journey is unique
  3. Hope serves as a crucial lifeline during times of crisis
  4. Looking for light in darkness is a survival skill
  5. Society's attempt to "fix" grief often creates disconnection
  6. Professional experience with grief differs vastly from personal experience

💡 Quotes to remember: "No matter how dark your world looks, there is always light to be found. Always." - Kelci Jager

"Grief becomes part of you when you experience a loss, when you experience trauma. It doesn't define you, but it becomes part of you." - Kelci Jager

"You wouldn't have been able to do the things that were required of you that nobody should ever be required to do without hope." - Kelci Jager

🌟 Featured Insights:

  • The transformation of hope from a nice-to-have to a lifeline
  • How masking grief impacts the healing journey
  • The importance of sitting with grief rather than trying to fix it
  • The power of choosing how to respond to tragedy
  • The unexpected way her book came to be written

📚 Resources:

A rising tide raises all ships, and I invite you along on this journey to Evoke Greatness!

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Speaker 1:

Welcome to Evoke Greatness. We are officially entering year three of this podcast and I am filled with so much gratitude for each and every one of you who've joined me on this incredible journey of growth and self-discovery. I'm Sunny, your host and fellow traveler on this path of personal evolution. This podcast is a sanctuary for the curious, the ambitious and the introspective. It's for those of you who, like me, are captivated by the champion mindset and driven by an insatiable hunger for growth and knowledge. Whether you're just beginning your journey or you're well along your path, you're going to find stories here that resonate with your experiences and aspirations. Over the last two years, we've shared countless stories of triumph and challenge, of resilience and transformation. We've laughed, we've reflected and we've grown together. And as we've evolved, so too has this podcast. Remember, no matter what chapter you're on in your own story, you belong here. This community we've built together is a place of support, inspiration and shared growth. Where intention goes, energy flows, and the energy you bring to this space elevates us all. So, whether you're listening while commuting, working out or enjoying your morning coffee, perhaps from one of those motivational mugs I'm so fond of, know that you're a part of something special. Thank you for being here. Thank you for your curiosity, your openness and your commitment to personal growth. As we embark on year three, I invite you to lean in, to listen deeply and to let these stories resonate with your soul. I believe that a rising tide raises all ships and I invite you along in this journey to evoke greatness. Welcome back to another episode of Evoke Greatness.

Speaker 1:

Today's guest is a guiding force for those navigating life's darkest waters.

Speaker 1:

As a certified life coach, grief coach and registered nurse, kelsey Jager brings both professional expertise and profound personal experience to her work, supporting those experiencing loss.

Speaker 1:

After the devastating loss of her husband, colin, to leukemia at age 40, kelsey found herself navigating the depths of grief, while raising four children alone. For her own journey from brokenness to healing, she discovered her life's calling helping others, transform their grief and reclaim their joy. Her powerful memoir A Million Miracles and the One that Never Came resonates deeply with those facing loss, while her work as a grief coach has touched thousands who felt stuck in their pain. What sets Kelsey apart is her unique combination of professional training and lived experience as a widow and a solo parent, allowing her to guide others with both expertise and deep empathy For her work with individuals and organizations. Kelsey's helped countless others find their way forward when it seemed impossible. Her approach embraces the raw reality of grief and the possibility of healing, teaching others how to view their memories through lenses of gratitude and love. Today, kelsey joins us to share insights on navigating loss, finding purpose through pain and awakening to life's deeper meanings. Kelsey, welcome, thank you so much for being here.

Speaker 2:

Thank you, Sunny, and thank you for that intro. That was wonderful.

Speaker 1:

Oh good. Well, I always like to get a little bit of a backstory and I think there's so much to this backstory. So I think, even as we get into that point where your life with Colin drastically changed, what was life like leading up?

Speaker 2:

to that Life was really beautiful. We kind of you know we definitely didn't have a perfect life, but all our boxes were checked. We had a beautiful, beautiful marriage. We were each other's best friends, we were business partners, we were really, really just. He was the ying to my yang I know that's like so corny, but like we just really were the perfect match and we had, or we have, four sons and we just. Life was amazing.

Speaker 1:

And then you hit that moment where things changed. There was that moment where he was diagnosed. That led you on a journey you probably none of you probably thought you or anticipated in life that you would go on. Can you walk us through a little bit about that and then, at the tail end of that, reflecting back, what do you wish that people understood about those early days around, that profound loss one may go through?

Speaker 2:

Well, I got to back up a little bit to lead into the diagnosis. We had recently relocated our family from Southern California to Florida. And then COVID happened and we were, you know, navigating that just like everybody else. It was challenging. And then, in August of 2020, our two oldest sons were in a motor vehicle accident and, as a result of that accident, my kids were both rushed to the emergency room. And our second oldest son, luca he had road rash up and down his body, he had broken bones. He was severely injured and bones. He was severely injured. He was rushed off to surgery. And our oldest son, ian, was also in the accident and he had hit his head. So, of course, the doctor ordered a head CT scan to see what was going on, make sure there wasn't serious injuries, and it was during that scan that they found a two-inch brain tumor that we had no idea. He had zero symptoms. So here I am, if you can imagine. So here I am, if you can imagine, just completely kind into a tailspin. I was like what is going on? Like I was so confused. You know, tragedy was something that I always had a front row seat to as an RN, as a critical care RN working in the Peds ICU and I always had so much compassion and empathy for these families that were experiencing tragedy, but it always happened to other people until I became the other people and it was like everything was going in slow motion and, um, it was really trying, trying time, thankfully, and the neurosurgeon we had one of the best neurosurgeons in the country. Fortunately, he was able to work on our son and he was able to remove the entire tumor and the tumor was benign, so he has recovered from that. Today he still has to get MRIs every six months because it can return and it can return as cancer.

Speaker 2:

Our son, luca, who was rushed off to surgery. He had multiple surgeries after this accident for the following months, lots of rehab for both of the boys, lots of physical therapy. It was nuts, but we got through that. It was the end of 2020. And we're just like let's close the door to 2020. This year has been insane and on January 2nd of 2021 is when my husband ended up in the emergency room. Of 2021 is when my husband ended up in the emergency room and he didn't come home for six weeks after that admission, after that visit to the emergency room and after about a week of extensive testing, they discovered that he had an aggressive form of leukemia, acute lymphoblastic leukemia. So this is coming on the heels of the trauma of my boy's accident, my son's brain tumor, luca's still having surgeries as this diagnosis is happening, happening and I am not okay.

Speaker 2:

I completely was broken in every sense of the word. I had never, ever, ever, ever been in such a dark place. I had always prided myself on being capable and resilient and strong and I can face challenges head on and I'll figure it out. I didn't know how to figure this out and I didn't know how I was going to survive. And if I continued in the place that I was in, in that dark place, that pity party, if you will, which I was completely valid in throwing myself a pity party If I had stayed there, I would not have survived the things that I survived. My kids would have lost me along with their dad.

Speaker 2:

So back to your question. I know that was like a long winded way to get to your question. Those early, early days are, like I said, just so overwhelmingly confusing, suffocating, I mean there really are no words to describe what it feels like when your entire world has been shattered and you feel completely helpless, helpless and hopeless to do anything about it. What I wish I had known, and what I wish people would know, is that, no matter how dark your world looks, there is always light to be found always and that is how I got out of, that's how I survived is I had lost my anchor.

Speaker 2:

My world had been shattered. It was no longer safe. I was no longer had this illusion of control. I was angry with God, like how could you let this happen to our family? We're good people. Why aren't you helping us? Why aren't you healing my husband? We have the faith for you to heal him. Why aren't you doing it?

Speaker 2:

And when I felt like the windows of heaven were silent and I didn't have my husband as my partner to lean on because he was fighting for his life, I had no anchor.

Speaker 2:

So I just felt like I was falling in this dark abyss and I just was grasping for anything and everything and it was just like sand going through my hands. Nothing was slowing me down until I started to look for the light. And I had to look very, very hard in those early days for the light because the darkness was so vast. But the light was there and I would hold on to those glimmers of light, like my life depended on it because it did, and I would hold on to one until I saw another one, and then I would hold on to that one. And that is how I began to crawl out of the darkness. And, to be honest with you, it was really hard to see the light in the beginning, but the more I looked, the more I saw, and the more I saw, the easier it became, you've talked about being surrounded by people who talked about you being so strong, and yet you're feeling inside completely broken.

Speaker 1:

How did this disconnect between others' perceptions or observations of your experience, of your reality? Really, how did that affect your grief journey?

Speaker 2:

um, there is. We live in a grief illiterate society, and grief makes those around us uncomfortable. It no one likes to see another person in pain. No one likes to see another person sad. So what we do, we try to fix it for them. We layer on unhelpful platitudes you need to do this, you need to do that. We try to fix something that isn't fixable.

Speaker 2:

And so when I put on this mask of I'm strong, I'm capable, I'm resilient, I was praised. You're so strong, you're so amazing. That felt good, but it didn't feel good to hide my grief. It didn't feel good to pretend grief. It didn't feel good to pretend I didn't need people to tell me and praise me for masking what was really happening. I needed people to sit with me and to let me know that I wasn't alone. Know that I wasn't alone and don't get me wrong I had so many people do that for me. I was, I was and still am so blessed with an amazing support system, and those people that did tell me I was strong and did you know, kind of encourage me to wear this mask no fault of their own. I did the same thing before as well, but when you know better, you do better.

Speaker 1:

Right as a registered nurse and that lens that you viewed the world with being in pediatric ICU, who then experienced a deep personal loss. How did your professional background and that training influence your approach around grief support and the gaps that you started to recognize in traditional grief counseling?

Speaker 2:

Pediatric ICU, we see a lot of tragedy, a lot of heartbreak With kids. You know it just hits you. It hits you harder. They're innocent and you know it's just so unfair. And you also, you don't just have the child as your patient, the family is also your patient.

Speaker 2:

And so I had dealt with a lot of grief in that way from the professional aspect. But when it was me that was experiencing grief, I realized pretty much everything I thought I knew about grief was wrong and pretty much everything that society tells us is inaccurate. And that was hard, because I thought I was doing grief wrong, I thought there was something wrong with me, when in reality there's no right or wrong way to grieve. It's a universal experience. If you're human, you will experience grief.

Speaker 2:

Grief is a natural response to loss. But we all, our journey in grief is all unique and um, I had to figure that out on my own in my own experience. I thought I was. You know, oh, I'm in this stage now. Well, there's no stages, you don't. You don't, grief doesn't move in a linear fashion and a linear progression. And then you reach acceptance and all of a sudden you're done. Oh, I can close the door now, I'm all better. No, that's not how it works. Grief becomes part of you when you experience a loss, when you experience trauma. It's part of your life. It doesn't define you, but it becomes part of you and you get to decide where you go from there. You know there's a lot of things out of our control, but the one thing that is in your control is how you respond, how you are going to move forward with this. Are you going to let it break you? Are you going to let it make you better? Are you going to allow it to make you better? The choice is yours you through this journey.

Speaker 1:

You wrote your book A Million Miracles and the One that Never Came wrote your book A Million Miracles and the One that Never Came. The title in itself just pierces the heart in that you explore your journey, of that complex journey of hope but also of disappointment. Could you share how your relationship with hope evolved throughout Colin's illness and after his passing I say that you, in order to survive what we experienced, we had to have hope.

Speaker 2:

And I tell my clients this you know I'll have clients that will say to me that who lost a loved one from you know a terminal illness or a long battle with sickness, and they'll say I didn't see it, like they were so sick and I didn't see it. I refused to acknowledge that they were dying, to acknowledge that they were dying. And I always tell them you couldn't have survived what you survived if you didn't have that hope that on the other side everything was going to be okay and that they were going to come through, beat this and come through the other side. You wouldn't have been able to do the things that were required of you, that nobody should ever be required to do. And so my relationship with hope became it changed from kind of like this, oh, like it's, it's nice to have, like I hope that you know, I, I get this, or I hope that this, you know, whatever dream comes true, or there's so many like hoping a lifeline.

Speaker 2:

My hope was my lifeline and after my husband died, I still had hope, and it was hope that he was going to still be close by us, that hope that we were going to be okay. Hope that we were going to be able to figure out this new world that looks completely different. Hope, and I didn't know how to do that. I didn't know for sure that we were going to be okay. I hoped we were, but I didn't know. And that hope is what helps you have courage to continue moving forward in the face of fear. What are the couple of?

Speaker 1:

things that stand out to you when you think about this book that you really hope people receive.

Speaker 2:

The most from it, this book I'm going to be honest with you, I did not want to write it. I wrote it kicking and screaming. Honest with you, I did not want to write it. I wrote it kicking and screaming. So when my husband Colin was first diagnosed with leukemia, he was in the hospital for six weeks, that first stent, and he came home after the first round of chemo and he was in liver failure because of the chemo and they couldn't give him any more and so they sent him home, not really knowing which way he was going to go. Was the liver going to heal itself and get better and then they would be able to continue with the treatments. Did that chemo work? Did it affect the leukemia at all? We really didn't know. So he kind of just came home and we were just waiting to see what was going to happen. And we were just waiting to see what was going to happen. So when he came home that first time after those six weeks and he was in liver failure, he was very, very sick and they let him come home because, number one, he was begging them. Number two, they knew that I could handle him at home and that I would bring him back, I would know which things to look for and I would bring him back if I saw any signs. And I also promised to come to bring him in every day for labs. So they let him come home like kind of reluctantly, but nonetheless he came home and he told me it was the second. I think it was the first or second night he was home. He told me that I was going to write a book about our family story and about this cancer journey. And I looked at him like he was nuts and I'm thinking okay, you're in liver failure, like your brains, the toxins are getting to your brain. Like you're not me, you're sick. Like you're not making any sense. And I was just like, okay, aha, you know. And he wouldn't let up. He would bring it up every week, every couple of days, for the entire time he was sick. He would bring up the book. Have you started thinking about what title you're going to make the book? I'd be like I don't know what you're saying about this book because, number one, I'm not getting the same feeling. Number two, I don't want to write a book. I'm not getting the same feeling. Number two, I don't want to write a book. And number three, who wants to hear about your cancer from my perspective. I'm not the one that has cancer and he would just, he had the best, most warm, like light up the room smile and he would just flash his giant smile at me and say you don't know it yet, but you're going to write, you're going to write a book about this and it's going to help lots and lots of people.

Speaker 2:

And I would just kind of like placate him and be like, okay, so fast forward to 18 months later when he passed away and, um, I was on the trails through the forest by our house, trails that we had frequent, trails that we had frequent, we had frequented together, and I was by myself, just, you know, feeling this huge ache of his absence. And I was talking to him as I was going through the trails, not about the book. I hadn't thought about the book and he wasn't there to bring it up to me. So I hadn't thought about the book at all and, clear as day into my mind, the words came. The title of the book is A Million Miracles and the one that never came.

Speaker 2:

And when that happened I mean telling you about it now I'm still like almost at a loss for words.

Speaker 2:

It hit me with a force. I'd finally heard the call that he had heard a year and a half before that. I was supposed to write this book and when I heard the title of the book, I knew exactly what I was going to write and I knew exactly what the book was going to be about. And it was almost like this whole space just opened up in my mind and I just saw it all so clearly and I said out loud okay, colin, I guess I'm going to write a book and it took me two years, over two years, to finally get that book published. But the book is now published and you know I say that I wrote it kicking and screaming because I did. But now, on the other side of it, I'm so glad I wrote this book because it really is so beautiful and the feedback that I have gotten so far has just been so amazing and it just fills me up with this joy that is better than happiness. It's this peace and just this purpose that I really can't explain how much it fills my soul.

Speaker 1:

Okay, y'all, this is where I hit the pause button. I hope that you have really, really enjoyed and learned through part one of this episode with my guest, Kelsey Jager. I hope you come back next week as we continue to explore so much more. We talk about the unique challenges of parenting while grieving, how children process grief differently than adults do. We dive deep in understanding silent grievers, the children who hide their grief deep inside, and the evolution from personal healing to professional calling for Kelsey. I hope to see you all back next week for part two. Thank you so much for listening and for being here on this journey with me. I hope you'll stick around If you liked this episode.

Speaker 1:

It would mean the world for me if you would rate and review the podcast or share it with someone you know. Many need to hear this message. I love to hear from you all and want you to know that you can leave me a voicemail directly. If you go to my website, evokegreatnesscom, and go to the Contact Me tab, you'll just hit the big old orange button and record your message. I love the feedback and comments that I've been getting, so please keep them coming. I'll leave you with the wise words of author Robin Sharma Greatness comes by doing a few small and smart things each and every day. It comes from taking little steps consistently. It comes from making a few small chips against everything in your professional and personal life that is ordinary, so that a day eventually arrives when all that's left is the extraordinary.

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